getting a second opinion

it’s a cloudy memory
over 5 years passed

this is how
it happened . . .

something was wrong
I was bent over
unable to sit for
more than half hour
not sleeping
not eating

I’m dying streaming
through my mind

first doctor
said I was stressed
and depressed and gave me
pills for depression
I will feel renewed soon
she said

pills caused me to
spiral into depression & fear
I had never known

doctor said
come in for another visit
she gave me
different pills
and the spiral into darkness
continued

called the doctor back
she said
see a psychiatrist
it’s all in your mind

I kept thinking
I could have cancer
I found comfort, reading
all the books I discovered
of people who survived cancer

it’s a strange and lonely feeling
when you feel death at your door
and not knowing
where to turn

a friend . . . another doctor
saw me a month later
ordered tests and
blood samples
CT scans
X rays
and the phone call came . . .

my doctor said
find a surgeon immediately
I felt shock
the days turned to
clouds of fog

met with surgeon
serious he said
better schedule surgery
tomorrow

that was over 5 years ago
It took a year to recover
from the anxiety, fear and pain
that had mounted
I became best friends with
anxiety and depression

since then
when my friends named anxiety and depression
come around, we are
on better speaking terms

If Jesus Came To Your Door

What if there was
really
angels or even Jesus
knocking at your door?

What if a slob who
came knocking on your door
was not a slob?

And needed water?
Or asked if he could
cut your grass
or do any repair work on
you house?

Would you turn him away
if he was dressed in
salvation army clothing?
and looked like a slob?

Or would you remember
that sometimes
there are
angels
stopping by
to protect you?

Did Jesus Pass By?

I was at Trader Joe’s
in Lousiville
my wife was in the hospital

I could not find flowers
the florists were closed

Went to Trader Joes for wine
and saw flowers

The blonde manager
with a ring in her nose
and lips
asked if she could help me

she selected the flowers
and gave me a Vace
and added water
to keep the flowers alive

She asked who the flowers were for
I said my wife who is in the hospital
she said when you check out
give the check out peson her name
the flowers are a gift from me
there will be no charge to you

I went to the car
and for the first time in years
I cried
for this act of kindness

I had no words to help him

I feel helpless
my friend is going through
a troubled job,
overwhelming since others quit
he took over their duties
the factory is requiring
employees to work 12 hours of day
7 days a week

he came to me for a word of hope
he is not smiling
and not himself
sleep is rare and disturbed
he is not able to eat
a meal
he picks at food on his plate

I could tell
my words feel on concrete
he left with
numbness in his expression

he says he has too much
to live for
and isn’t thinking about
hurting himself
I suggested a counselor
who seems to help
others, going through
changes like this

he has many years
invested in his job
but he can’t go on
much longer where he
works

I call on additional help
for him
hear his inner cries
Lord
direct him into choosing
the right choices

the world spins too fast

the world spins too fast
for gentle people

my closest friends
ran the race
we were going to have it all
we became tired
and didn’t keep
in step

where was the race
to end up . . .
was there a basket of gold
or promise of health
or forever friends

it’s been awhile, a long while
since I started the race
I’ve slowed down

I sleep late now
don’t get up before 10 am
or sleep later
if the doorbell does not ring

where are all the runners
in the race we started

the world spins
too fast

prayers hanging from heaven

I have sent a lot
of prayers
up there

over the years
many prayers did not
seem to be answered
I am glad they weren’t

many prayers
were self-centered
and would have been
destructive
to me

those prayers were answered
with silence . . .
another word for no
or not now

looking over the years
the yes prayers
worked for my good
the others would have
taken me the wrong path

life has been good

I will remember you

I did not
come by and visit
and bring you
the brownies and ice cream
you asked for

you waited
for weeks
and months

I planned to visit
as I had always done
but being busy
got in the way

I don’t know how long
it was before
I got the phone call
that
you were gone

too often
these days
I think of
getting together
and laughing
and telling tales
like we did

the brownies
and ice cream
I planned to bring them
never made it

I wonder if
my neglect
caused you to
leave early

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